Being alone and learning to be ok with it

 

I’m aware that I preface most of these blog posts, but this time its very important. There are a multitude of people i no longer talk to and if any of you see this post, i want you to know that this isn’t some cheap shot victim-playing to air out my dirty laundry. I also want anyone who reads this to be at least kind of respectful because this is very close and it is not easy to open up about, but i want to help others who might be able to relate to it and this subject which has been much of a struggle in the past summer and fall.

The root cause of all of this being having grown up deaf socialization becomes much harder and trickier when 20 seconds into the conversation a kid goes “what are those things on your ears” and out of instinctual fear you run away. You spend most of childhood reading books and spending time alone which if anything you would think should acclimate someone to being alone, but it actually kind of does the opposite. By the time highschool rolls around you’re sort of sick of having your nose in a book and combined with the disgusting cocktail that is teenage emotions, gender dysphoria and social media you yearn to be surrounded by friends the way “the popular kids” are, the way they have a million groupchats and parties and you have no idea how to get in edgewise, but you know you want to be apart of it. Over the course of sophomore year i both intentionally and unintentionally interjected myself into a friend group and at the end of year we went our separate ways and I’ve also lost other friendships this fall  in that same way and of course you’re sad about the relationship being lost and you’re blaming yourself, but you’re also scared.

Being alone is scary, when if spent so long trying to cling to social interaction, this idea of floating around in the world with you yourself and..you it terrifies you.   But at some point in your life you’ll likely have to be alone, and you almost wonder if you’ll be able to survive it.  You might go for a bunch of walks that weekend and lie in your room, but then you still have to go back to work, or school or whatever you have and the small amount of backbone you’ve built back up sort of collapses.  Thinking“What am i supposed to do?  Just Be alone with my thoughts? Yeah right, oh shit i do actually have to do that” this is however the best and worst thing about being alone and rather than looking it as a period of imprisonment from everyone else, you can look at it as a period of self reflection. you should think about what you want in life and who you want to surround yourself with.

Ironically enough, being knocked down a little helps you gain more confidence, as you spend time with yourself you realize that you’re not so bad to be around and you learn that maybe you’d rather be alone than be with people who dont make you feel good about yourself and the huge realization:

Being alone isn’t so bad, and you’re not a loser for choosing it and yourself over other people!

A huge part of the mental blockade preventing me from realizing this was feeling like a loser for going on walks or hanging out with my mom, but once you stop being around “the popular kids” you can’t believe yourself. How could they possibly have tricked you into thinking that doing things that make you happy are lame? By their standards im some lame loser weird trans bitch blogging on Christmas alone instead of being at some party and maybe I AM lame, but who cares? I’m happier than I have been in a long time and im surrounded by people who actually give a fuck about me and if someone was judging me for the way I live, I was never going to get their bullshit approval in the first place.

So much of modern American social culture controls people via shame, starting at just 5 years old, but notice how often times the people who don’t care about what others think are the happiest. As a trans person I get told that “Im so brave” for doing what im doing and I dont have any problem with this sentiment, but im just living rather than surviving and id argue being trans or goth or any sort of non-traditional identity cracks the door of not caring open just a little bit.

One part of being alone and being ok with it is unless you choose, you’re never truly alone, theres so many people out there to meet and you have to allow yourself time to heal and grow alone, but they’re there waiting for you. In all honesty its probably better to do this before you get dumped by your friends, but at its core being alone is the gateway to being okay with yourself and “being happy” though if i write that im sure ill actually vomit a rainbow given this entire blog post sounds like another tacky self-help book, (and although i hope not) its all probably a little bit corny.