Posts

Queer appropriation

  I’d like to preface the opening to this by saying that even though this is about the appropriation of queer culture im a white girl writing this, so  I would argue that both cishet men and women appropriate queer culture for their own purposes, and while they do it in different ways they both are attracted by the aesthetics, uniqueness and the community  of being queer  I think cishet men like to take our struggle and our “punk”ness, the “rough around the edges” feeling, they want to have some reason to feel outcast and alternative and make artwork thats “like.. so deep dude, its really like…real,” and wearing Keith haring t shirts while doing so. I’ve touched on this briefly in the past but it makes me so incredibly enraged at how haring and his art has been treated. They want to feel this idea of an artistic rebellion, but dont want to include anyone who makes them acknowledge their privilege. They all want to feel like theyre banding together, living life on the edge getting pierc
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HRT

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  I assume that most people who read my blog understand most trans stuff and so the concept of HRT would make sense to them, but in case it’s unclear, HRT stands for Hormone replacement therapy and essentially I take an anti-androgen (testosterone blocker) and an estrogen prescription to transition medically. I’ve been on E for a year as of today and I want to make this post to detail my experiences of it especially because for both trans and cis people alike it is so shrouded in mystery. Being AMAB (assigned male at birth) and developing a lot of the female secondary sex characteristics ( softer skin less body hair, some hip bone growth/ fat redistribution  and most significantly the breast growth.)  is weird. Obviously im well aware of the permanence of transitioning medically, but noticing these changes on my body is odd, almost making me feel like I’m ‘‘supposed’’ to have a male body and as though my brain is still perceiving myself as male? It’s a really weird feeling thats only m
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The reluctance to accepting femininity as a trans girl

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  As much as i despise this idea that anyone is “socialized male” because it is weird and implies trans women are still men inside, i think there is a sort of line of reasoning that your brain takes when it comes to trans people doing things that society had told them all throughout their childhood was weird For me personally makeup is mostly where i revert back to this psychological mindset of a 12 year old boy and understanding the why and overcoming it is really what im trying to focus on. Essentially a few months back a friend and i were hanging out and she has her makeup bag and she starts putting mascara on and i make a small comment leading her to ask about if i want to try it and ultimately it leads to this scenario where she’s insisting I put it on and I feel so tempted by it and im not quire scared or uncomfortable, but its like that feeling you get when you’re on, or are about to ride a rollercoaster. Eventually she puts it on and we actually go to a Sephora where I try on e
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Being alone and learning to be ok with it

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  I’m aware that I preface most of these blog posts, but this time its very important. There are a multitude of people i no longer talk to and if any of you see this post, i want you to know that this isn’t some cheap shot victim-playing to air out my dirty laundry. I also want anyone who reads this to be at least kind of respectful because this is very close and it is not easy to open up about, but i want to help others who might be able to relate to it and this subject which has been much of a struggle in the past summer and fall. The root cause of all of this being having grown up deaf socialization becomes much harder and trickier when 20 seconds into the conversation a kid goes “what are those things on your ears” and out of instinctual fear you run away. You spend most of childhood reading books and spending time alone which if anything you would think should acclimate someone to being alone, but it actually kind of does the opposite. By the time highschool rolls around you’re s
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What the gothic (and punk) aesthetic and identity means to me

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I know all of my blog posts have the most annoying pretentious titles ever, but nobody with a blog they regularly post on is not  pretentious. Regardless this is about how being goth ( and also sort of punk) is sort of important to me. As of late I’ve been getting into the independent scene which has some influence of seeing people in cool outfits and wanting to emulate that, but it goes further than that for me both because im trans, but also because of who i am as a person.   On a more personal note being goth is essentially this loud fuck you to “popular people” and cis people which is mostly the same thing but not quite. Essentially I can tell how people treat me and obviously its not just because im trans but that doesn't really help and so through gothic clothing its kind of fun to make myself into this exaggerated character of “Scary goth bitch.” It puts the power back into my hands, im not a loser who has nobody to talk to, im scary and weird and if you talk to me ill curse
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Boymoding

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  Boymoding is weird, kind of like being on the cusp of detransition at least for me. Today I woke up and I had fallen asleep in my clothes from last night being a skirt, cute top and stockings except i felt like shit because i haven’t had a proper break in weeks and weeks and maybe this is just me but in the mornings when i feel like shit I dont want to do anything or present myself really, and sometimes when you’re tired as shit and you’re a trans woman and you dont really have the emotional strength to subject yourself to the judgement of grandmas and 40 year old women who probably aren’t even judging you in the first place. So you say fuck it and you put on a tank top and the sweater that somehow completely erases your boobs and waist while somehow still giving you a definable shape but you also realize oh fuck my nails and you wonder even if not for that could you even come off as a real man or just some weird repressed androgynous twink. Ultimately Boymoding is comforting and saf
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Hi.

                         Hi everyone, this is my first post which may be the first of many, or not! It’s entirely possible i just completely forget about this blog, though I hope i dont. Im not really sure what else to add, though I mostly plan to use this to share my own experiences, thoughts and I hope people actually do see this. It can feel very suffocating and powerless to be a trans girl and a teenager and id like to have some space to talk about things outside of my art, why you may ask (I know for a fact you did not ask.) Art is hard and good and you present it in a serious somber gallery hopefully and you spend time and energy making it. I do (not) feel like spending time and energy to make an art oeice simply to represent whatever bullshit im thinking this morning so that will be this.   
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