HRT

  I assume that most people who read my blog understand most trans stuff and so the concept of HRT would make sense to them, but in case it’s unclear, HRT stands for Hormone replacement therapy and essentially I take an anti-androgen (testosterone blocker) and an estrogen prescription to transition medically. I’ve been on E for a year as of today and I want to make this post to detail my experiences of it especially because for both trans and cis people alike it is so shrouded in mystery.

Being AMAB (assigned male at birth) and developing a lot of the female secondary sex characteristics ( softer skin less body hair, some hip bone growth/ fat redistribution  and most significantly the breast growth.)  is weird. Obviously im well aware of the permanence of transitioning medically, but noticing these changes on my body is odd, almost making me feel like I’m ‘‘supposed’’ to have a male body and as though my brain is still perceiving myself as male? It’s a really weird feeling thats only magnified by feeling like i have to switch between being male and female because I maybe sort of pass? Like I’ve received very straight male attention in public and also am called She without hesitation most of the time. However some teachers still clearly see me as male and some strangers do too and i hardly think I pass, so..?

 I think the most significant positive effect that’s been obvious with HRT is the wider and deeper range of emotions that I experience more frequently. Testosterone really dries up people emotionally, crying becomes like trying to force water out of a barely leaking faucet. Even when i did kind of feel sad and terrible it was so impossible to release it and forcing it out didn’t really make it any better. It feels so incredible to be able to just cry and laugh and express emotional energy, In a weird sense I almost feel like  given how nuanced the language of this blog is i wouldn’t have been able to do it on “Testosterone brain”

   To talk about breasts is incredibly weird and awkward so bear with me, however oftentimes they’re very significant to trans women. They’re these things that society has so clearly marked as not just an attractive female feature, but also something used by moms and their babies.  It’s the thing that most MtFs focus on so heavily when theyre about to start, and are on estrogen. To me this was also really important, its one of the things people sort of look at you for, or rather your lack of to clock you. Its that awkward 6 second window where they look at you like are you just a really unlucky unattractive cis girl? Oh no thats definitely a tranny” I’ve noticed myself Ill scrutinize a top or my own body for not giving me that distinctly female silhouette. Other trans girls are very angry at our own bodies for not having good breast growth or at the base of it, worrying that nothing has changed and we still look male. To me it feels like so many trans people bave this misconception that HRT is this magical sex-change potion, and its not, I sort of think you will never not be trans and yeah it sucks, welcome to being trans, if we could go stealth 3 months on HRT im pretty sure most people would.

Trans people in general, but primarily trans women either intentionally or unintentionally starve themselves in an attempt to avoid growing and becoming more masculine, or to maintain a waist and flat stomach they might have as the only sort of female features that they have. I’ve noticed that although this tall model-ish archetype can empower a lot trans women, it can also cause them to feel like thats the only way they can be women, and to some extent their concerns are valid. Its valid to feel that they can only look pretty a certain way, otherwise they’ll just look like men or even worse, Butch lesbians (horrifying I know), but as a community we really need to stop looking at models and actors (yes Hunter Schafer this is like 10% your fault), look at your average American woman in a Duane reade, they might not even pass according to bullshit Transy standards  We need to liberate trans women from these conventional definitions of beauty so that they stop starving themselves, scrutinizing their newly developing body.

Id like to touch on DIY HRT for  a second because it is so important to the trans community, even though it does have a slightly illicit connotation to it. Technically possessing estrogen, buying and selling it, and shipping it isn’t breaking any laws, but if you’re shipping it internationally customs may take it because customs is legally mandated to be as annoying as possible without people just choosing an alternative.  DIY is weird because it definitely has that idea where it makes queer and trans people out to be these irresponsible 19 year olds who smoke whatever’s offered to them and buy drugs off the internet and shoot them up. Personally I’d like to point out that DIY is actually just not that dangerous; in theory getting these online and taking them regularly without a doctor sounds wildly dangerous, but its not?? Obviously any trans readers please do not do that, but oftentimes these people do still get bloodwork done and they have a solid plan the way someone transitioning “on the books” would.  Trans people especially trans people of color are some of the most socially and economically disadvantaged, it’s really weird to me when people suddenly are shocked that not every trans person wants to or even can transition in an on the books “white picket fence” way. I think theres something to be said about how trans people may resent their bodies to an extent that they are more likely to treat their bodies with less respect and take unnecessary risks, but thats a topic for later. If you’re trans and on hrt and you’re reading this you’ve probably experienced this: you go the whole day feeling like shit and then you remember  “oh shit I have to take my hrt” because trans bodies are different from cis bodies, and this is more than just forgetting to take your meds. A lot of trans people get bottom surgery, even if they don’t this applies and if this supply chain is ever disrupted for long periods of time we’re fucked which is horrifying to think about when you realize there is so little funding going to most trans “products”. Ultimately there is almost no research done about trans bodies so most of us go on our own research and journeys figuring out how all of this works with a very meager path forward be it fighting the system just so you can get hrt after bureaucratic benign bullshit or Yknow, just order pills off a site and hope for the best!

At its most base level I think cis people need to understand that HRT is vital not just to trans people, but trans teens and that banning it or restricting it doesn’t necessarily stop people from getting it, it just becomes less safe. P. S you absolutely dont need HRT to be trans i want to throw that in there in case this thing comes off as oddly trutrans truscum shit.