What the gothic (and punk) aesthetic and identity means to me












I know all of my blog posts have the most annoying pretentious titles ever, but nobody with a blog they regularly post on is not pretentious. Regardless this is about how being goth ( and also sort of punk) is sort of important to me. As of late I’ve been getting into the independent scene which has some influence of seeing people in cool outfits and wanting to emulate that, but it goes further than that for me both because im trans, but also because of who i am as a person.  

On a more personal note being goth is essentially this loud fuck you to “popular people” and cis people which is mostly the same thing but not quite. Essentially I can tell how people treat me and obviously its not just because im trans but that doesn't really help and so through gothic clothing its kind of fun to make myself into this exaggerated character of “Scary goth bitch.” It puts the power back into my hands, im not a loser who has nobody to talk to, im scary and weird and if you talk to me ill curse your entire family bloodline with my dark magic. Why do all of this? Because I’ve spent so long trying to appeal to these pretty “normal” cis girls with their little boyfriends and their little music and 1000 followers on instagram and fuck ‘em! Im not just going to stand there while feeling like a less good version of them. I dont feel like wearing your little brandy Melville and Lululemon outfits. I am not that i have my long dark hair and my lank boney body and my gaunt cheeks and my knuckles and shoulders and at least in the goth community i dont feel like my body is my fault, fuck you Olivia 
(Any Olivia’s who read this i probably didn’t mean you)

Its objectively fun to be weird and other yourself from people you’ve spent so long trying to appeal to and to relish in it and have people give you weird looks, look the other way when your ideas start getting too unpalatable for them. It gives me a definable identity to latch onto and say “oh yeah im the scary goth tranny and you all are gonna see me and my art that makes you feel uncomfortable and i want to know you saw and heard me even for just a second.(I know that we as white trans women can write like we’re the most affected by the system ever, but we aren’t so hear this coming from a very white girl) It feels like so many times these cishet men have these Williamsburg galleries where they do their little art that sort of means nothing and they want an “Artistic revolution” but theyre sort of gentrifying it in a sense because they end up having like one cis women in their collection of artists but they never want the people who are actually apart of these revolutions, ie queer black trans women. And you know having One gay artist in your collective isn’t enough either, you do realize that it has to be more like 50/50 or at least somewhere closer to that? We’re everywhere and yet you take our aesthetics and struggles and you wear Keith haring t shirts KEITH HARING WAS GAY HE DIED OF AIDS DID YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT!

Primarily Siouxsie sioux and the banshees which, like other goth bands they do this very cool thing where they reject the idea of having children as the most important thing in a woman’s life. If you listen to songs like Arabian knights you can hear how they describe it in this barbaric alienating feeling rather than how we traditionally view it. This obviously attracts me and other transfems because it is so refreshing to not have this one quality that im reminded that i dont have  every single time i consume mainstream media. Also bands like Bikini kill are so angry and in-your-face that they are just the perfect thing to listen to after what feels like getting shot down for being icky weird trans. It is feminist and it is angry about it, not trying to misogynistically hush you and say that its not really a big deal. It’s also that acceptance that lonely trans women (me) long so much for in a community that is so Not gatekeeping and eager to share with you.

Ultimately the gothic aesthetic and musical taste gives me a tool for self expression and acceptance in a community for being me rather than trying to pander to someone my age who also looks like a supermodel  inexplicably. It is a reflection of my transness and my inherent weirdness and channeling into a “ I know im awesome and i know it and if you dont like me then you dont have to talk to me” rather than feeling bad about myself






 

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