The reluctance to accepting femininity as a trans girl

 

As much as i despise this idea that anyone is “socialized male” because it is weird and implies trans women are still men inside, i think there is a sort of line of reasoning that your brain takes when it comes to trans people doing things that society had told them all throughout their childhood was weird

For me personally makeup is mostly where i revert back to this psychological mindset of a 12 year old boy and understanding the why and overcoming it is really what im trying to focus on.

Essentially a few months back a friend and i were hanging out and she has her makeup bag and she starts putting mascara on and i make a small comment leading her to ask about if i want to try it and ultimately it leads to this scenario where she’s insisting I put it on and I feel so tempted by it and im not quire scared or uncomfortable, but its like that feeling you get when you’re on, or are about to ride a rollercoaster. Eventually she puts it on and we actually go to a Sephora where I try on eyeliner too, though this time im not nervous I guess because I already dipped my toe in the water in a sense. I ended up buying a mascara which i have used precisely 0 times. Though I’ve worked my way up to knowing how to dress its as though i dont have the makeup experience to match, especially when i dress in such dramatic ways, yet i can be so self conscious about makeup

I felt this with clothing too, I used to be so incredibly scared of even just grabbing a dress or blouse in a buffalo exchange and the process of buying clothes was so slow and painstaking for so long because i just stole my moms clothes or wore extremely basic non feminine clothing. Though I remember one day, being  in a store with a friend, I have a dress on my arm and i realized, “oh my god, i didn’t even notice that i didn’t care about what others were thinking off me” and that was one of the most liberating experiences in my entire process of transitioning

Even when I was way younger and had no idea what being trans was, my little sister offered to paint my nails and she did which i was already reluctant too and when i finally had it on i immediately wiped it off, I didn’t understand any of what i was feeling at the time, but i just felt so scared by this wave of strong feelings that i got from the nail polish.

I almost feel like this applies to us in our relationships with other women too, women are far more touchy with their friends and so often times you end up with moments where you’re not uncomfortable, but you’re thinking “oh we’re hugging as a greeting even though we’ve talked like 3 times!”. Or like how women go to the bathroom together without any question which usually makes me feel like i shouldn’t be there because of my bottom dysphoria and “male” status


Though I do dress sort of gothic and punk-ish i think my style and identity is becoming more feminine especially with the addition of makeup, i find myself wearing more skirts and wanting to dress in more explicitly female clothing like camisoles and skirts, even when i dont pass in it, its almost like im accepting my transness and my femininity together,

I think for a while I really resented my transness and being feminine, namely wearing skirts was so scary to me because while in the early months of transition I was helping a classmate with a math problem and she says “ Why are you wearing a skirt? Did you lose a bet or something?”

 sidenote: if the girl who shamed me for being trans is reading this or if anyone, specially any cis women have ever done this, woman to woman, you know what you did.)

 This absolutely shattered my confidence when i needed it most. And so through this event along with the societal norms dominated my transition with shame and fear of judgment and I think a lot of trans girls go through this, its why theres an entire contingent of trans women who boymode and why so many even when they dress fem end up looking like a grandma or they go very androgynous and maybe thats their gender expression, but personally I know I’ve been so reluctant to open up to womanhood and femininity in general which i think I’ve mostly undone and am working on the final knot of makeup to really express myself.

( other Side note this entire post is just my
Excuse to wear tacky glittery euphoria makeup)

  

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