The Subways of Julie thought

  I’m aware that I preface most of these blog posts, but this time its very important. There are a multitude of people i no longer talk to and if any of you see this post, i want you to know that this isn’t some cheap shot victim-playing to air out my dirty laundry. I also want anyone who reads this to be at least kind of respectful because this is very close and it is not easy to open up about, but i want to help others who might be able to relate to it and this subject which has been much of a struggle in the past summer and fall. The root cause of all of this being having grown up deaf socialization becomes much harder and trickier when 20 seconds into the conversation a kid goes “what are those things on your ears” and out of instinctual fear you run away. You spend most of childhood reading books and spending time alone which if anything you would think should acclimate someone to being alone, but it actually kind of does the opposite. By the time highschool rolls around you’...

I know all of my blog posts have the most annoying pretentious titles ever, but nobody with a blog they regularly post on is not  pretentious. Regardless this is about how being goth ( and also sort of punk) is sort of important to me. As of late I’ve been getting into the independent scene which has some influence of seeing people in cool outfits and wanting to emulate that, but it goes further than that for me both because im trans, but also because of who i am as a person.   On a more personal note being goth is essentially this loud fuck you to “popular people” and cis people which is mostly the same thing but not quite. Essentially I can tell how people treat me and obviously its not just because im trans but that doesn't really help and so through gothic clothing its kind of fun to make myself into this exaggerated character of “Scary goth bitch.” It puts the power back into my hands, im not a loser who has nobody to talk to, im scary and weird and if you talk to me ill ...

  Boymoding is weird, kind of like being on the cusp of detransition at least for me. Today I woke up and I had fallen asleep in my clothes from last night being a skirt, cute top and stockings except i felt like shit because i haven’t had a proper break in weeks and weeks and maybe this is just me but in the mornings when i feel like shit I dont want to do anything or present myself really, and sometimes when you’re tired as shit and you’re a trans woman and you dont really have the emotional strength to subject yourself to the judgement of grandmas and 40 year old women who probably aren’t even judging you in the first place. So you say fuck it and you put on a tank top and the sweater that somehow completely erases your boobs and waist while somehow still giving you a definable shape but you also realize oh fuck my nails and you wonder even if not for that could you even come off as a real man or just some weird repressed androgynous twink. Ultimately Boymoding is comforting and...

                         Hi everyone, this is my first post which may be the first of many, or not! It’s entirely possible i just completely forget about this blog, though I hope i dont. Im not really sure what else to add, though I mostly plan to use this to share my own experiences, thoughts and I hope people actually do see this. It can feel very suffocating and powerless to be a trans girl and a teenager and id like to have some space to talk about things outside of my art, why you may ask (I know for a fact you did not ask.) Art is hard and good and you present it in a serious somber gallery hopefully and you spend time and energy making it. I do (not) feel like spending time and energy to make an art oeice simply to represent whatever bullshit im thinking this morning so that will be this.